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Today is a day to recover, the past few days have taken their toll on me. I took my youngest daughter to the fair here in town. We looked at all of the local art exhibits and crafts. It was actually inspiring, even my daughter came home and began drawing and painting pictures that she wants me to enter for her in the fair, with her goal being a blue ribbon! She’s very excited about getting a ribbon. I don’t have the heart to tell her that she’ll have to wait another year.
My oldest daughter, of course, is wondering the town of Napa somewhere. She and her new boyfriend are incognito, and I am unable to find her. The last conversation we had was of course about her drinking and driving. She doesn’t like to be told what to do, so she left. It’s going on two weeks since I’ve seen her. I did speak to her three days ago, when I called her cell phone and left a message, she was kind enough to call me back to say that she was staying with the boyfriends family. How long will it be before they grow tired of her antics, her sponging, she (I’m positive) has no money to pay them for food or lodging. And, like she has done in the past, “works” the parents into believing that her parents don’t like her, do not understand her, etc. But what I have come to realize, she chooses these boys, based on their living situations. They all seem to live at home, helping to care for the somewhat torn and dysfunctional families. Instead of allowing them their own space to heal, she comments to me how she told the mother “what our family has been through” to help that mother feel as though her life is not so awful. The sad thing for me is that the story she tells is not the truth. That is hurtful, it hurts me and my husband, because we can’t figure out why she feels the need to dramatize her own life, when things at home are fine. Truly our only issues are those relating to our daughter and her addictions. Her addiction to alcohol and to drama.
I have a friend who is like 25 years sober, she too is an alcoholic and has been a huge savor to me, allowing me a window into what it is my daughter is thinking, feeling, and the drama, the need to make up insanity so that she will continue to have an excuse to drink. I can’t thank my friend enough for all of her useful support and love. Especially when I think that it is a natural tendency for us parents to lay blame on ourselves for what our adult children choose to do with their lives. It does help to know that I shouldn’t do that, I still find myself occasionally blaming myself, but at least I am to a point now where I can sit in stillness and even meditate on what those emotions are about, and why this life lesson is here for me at this time.
So I found myself yesterday feeling quite ill, not sure if what from the heat exhaustion from the previous day or the unrelenting heat of the day itself? Or just a flu bug? Not really sure, only knowing that I was unable to get out of bed until about 1 am last night before I felt somewhat normal. The temperature had fallen to about 80 degrees, and the cool coastal breeze, all though it wasn’t much to speak of, still helped as it managed to make it’s way in through my bedroom window. I woke up this morning feeling stiff and my back aching, but overall much better than yesterday!
After meditating this morning, I realized that I may have been to “open” while at the county fair. Empathy can be a great thing when I can control it, but I have learned that the more I become able to channel, control those energies that are trying so hard to speak to me, and my ability to be empathic, I have yet to control the empathic part. When I find myself around someone who has had a bad day, I feel it. When someone has been sad or depressed I feel it…you get the picture. But I thought I was doing OK with controlling the feelings I was getting, not letting them wear me down. But I think the day at the fair was to much, and I unfortunately did not prepare or center myself before walking into it. So I wonder if my day of feeling like absolute crud yesterday was the recovery of taking on everyone’s issues empathically or was it just the flu?
All I know is that today is a better day, a more positive day, a calm day, I feel more grounded today then I have in the past three days,,,,so with that being said I am going to go read a book and relax
